This week’s been tough. I’ve been having one of those weeks where each day I become sadder than the last and I don’t really know why. All I know is that every evening I’ve just cried my eyes out. I’ve almost burst into tears each time I’ve been alone in public and not been able to control it. I’m not sure why I feel sad. I’m back at uni but I’ve not been able to train so my routine isn’t that great but I’ve noticed that when I’m feeling down like this I really fixate on my weight, purging increases and I get even sadder as a result.
It’s a vicious cycle. Thinking that, that one little pound of weight lost will make you happier and resorting to extremes to lose it and you feel more relaxed but never for long enough. I feel like I’m still not good enough. I’m never going to be good enough. Just as one thing goes right for me, something else goes wrong and I focus on losing weight to distract me, to comfort me, to make at least one thing seem okay.
That’s the thing, I still constantly feel that for every leap of joy I experience something comes crashing and pulling me down. Something’s going wrong with me, with my body and I don’t know what. A few possibilities were ruled out this week but the last thing I need is something else. I know I need to sort it, and I have made an appointment, but when everything goes wrong I just don’t want to sort it. I want to ignore it and hope it’ll get better.
It happened last year. In one single week after my bike got stolen, I was diagnosed with vitiligo, my arthritis had damaged my ankle, and they thought I had my dad’s heart condition. And I couldn’t handle it. I am the girl with a list of things wrong with her as long as her name and I can’t cope to keep adding. And now I feel like its happening again, more family heart problems indicating I might have inherited it from my dad and mum wants me to go get tested, I need to, I know I do, but I just can’t handle it right now. I can’t handle something else.
I’m broken and faulty. I’m damaged goods and I can’t handle any more damage. I can’t handle having to fix something else. I’ve wanted my best friends so bad this week, and as always it took me too long to speak out. I feel like we’re so distant but its not because we are deliberately being that way. We’re all genuinely busy and stressed and not enough time for everything we need to be doing. And I wish we weren’t. Second year already seems like such an easy ride compared to this.
I miss them. I feel as if I miss them more because they’re here, in Manchester, and I can’t hang out with them. Well..not as much as I want. But its no ones fault, its just the way life is. And I know that, I’m not looking for attention, or sympathy, I just want us three to be back together, just for one day, just to make me feel happier.
The way that us three being together has always made everything better.
They’re always there for me, I know that, but like I said, it’s just been one of those weeks.
And then tonight, when I got upset again, I remembered. I remembered the present S got me for my birthday. A box full of envelopes to open on certain occasions. A present to last me all year. So, today, I opened the envelope for when I ‘need to smile’…
And it definitely did the trick. All the memories associated with the message and card came rushing back and I smiled. I smiled more than I’ve smiled all week. And then I started crying again, but not out of sadness, but just because it overwhelmed me to realise I have friends who care about me so much. It made me overly emotional to think that people could care about me the way they do and I am always going to be lucky to have those two,
Some days are hard and full of darkness but you just need to remember in order to find the light.