You’ve not eaten all day.
You need to eat.
And then it begins.
It starts with a question of ‘why?’
Why did I eat?
Why could I not have been stronger?
And then the fear kicks in.
The fear of being fat.
The fear of being ugly.
The fear of becoming that unwanted fat and ugly girl again.
And then the thoughts start whispering.
I’m so fat
I’m such a failure.
I’m always going to be fat.
I’m never going to achieve anything if I don’t lose weight.
I’m such a disgrace.
And then the thoughts get louder.
I shouldn’t have eaten.
It’s all my fault.
I feel so full.
I’m going to be fat.
I am fat.
I’m never going to be slim.
And then the thoughts start shouting.
Fat, worthless and unwanted.
And then another whisper begins to grow.
Just get rid.
One more time.
Lose some calories.
Feel less full.
You’ll become slimmer.
Just until you reach 58KG.
Then you can stop.
But for now.
Gain some control over your weight and get rid of it.
And then the countdown starts
Get rid in five minutes. It’ll be easier in five minutes.
You’ll be lighter when it’s over.
Just until you get what you want. Just until you’re slimmer and more beautiful
Don’t do it.
I need to do it. I can’t do it any other way. I’m such a disgrace, no wonder no one likes me.
I shouldn’t do this. But I’m so fat. I hate being so fat. Why can’t I be slim and beautiful? Just once.
It won’t be once. You’ll do it again. And then you’ll have to tell everyone what a disgrace you are, and they’ll hate you for it. You’re such a let down. That Girl relapses…again.
It’ll be over soon.
Sooner you do this the sooner it stops.
I need to get rid.
I’m so fat.
Everything depends on me being lighter.
I hate myself for doing this.
I’m so disgusting.
Fat and disgusting.
I need to do this.
I need to be lighter
I need to be slimmer.
I hate being fat.
I hate being me.
And then it starts. Take a deep breath and hope for the best. Hope its quick. Hope it doesn’t hurt too much. Hope you’ll get rid of everything. Hope you’ll be in control again. Hope no one finds out. Hope to be slimmer. Lighter. Thinner. More beautiful.
And if it doesn’t go to plan. Take a moment and the countdown starts again. The thoughts louder, the pain deeper. The fear greater.
And if it works…relief…inexplainable relief. A slight moment of calm. That’s better. I don’t feel so full now. I won’t be as fat tomorrow. I might be 58KG again. Maybe, just maybe. Back on track now. I can do this properly now.
I can’t do this any other way.
Why did I do that?
I’m such a disgrace.
I’m a mess.
If you don’t eat you won’t do this.
The cycle that doesn’t have a determinable beginning.
The cycle that never ends.
The cycle that tries to balance out but never does.
The cycle I can’t break out of.