I can’t remember the last day I held my umbrella and I can’t remember the last time someone held it for me. I can’t remember when I was last sheltered from the storm raging in my mind but I know I did nothing about it. I let the storm grow more and more violent as I refused to ask for help. I was too scared to reach out, too frightened of being the burden.
I was ashamed to admit that I was worse than ever before.
That I was a failure once again.
Right now I need more help than I’ve ever needed in the past and whilst I have a plan set in place for June I think I may have found someone who might be able to help me more than anyone else ever has.
I wasn’t looking for him. I had decided I didn’t want anyone because things seemed so messed up. Deep down, deep in that broken heart of mine, I was so scared of being hurt. Of being left more broken than ever before and if I met someone I ran the risk of falling for them, and if I fell for them I ran the risk of telling them about my eating disorder, and if I told them about that I ran the risk of them leaving me.
I have spent so long putting up a wall. Convincing myself that I didn’t want anything, that I didn’t want something committed but I know that’s not wholly true. I know that I’m scared of commitment because I would have to open up about my illness. I’m so frightened that they’ll think differently of me and although I’ve told people in the past, I’m more scared of telling this one.
And it’s because I like him. It’s because I actually like this guy more than any of the others and I don’t really understand why it scares me. For so long I’ve refused to let myself like someone, thinking that I’m protecting myself from the inevitable scars that they’ll leave on my heart when they find out about my eating disorder.
He tells me I’m perfect. He says I’m amazing and wonderful and for a moment, just that one small moment, I let him make me feel that way. But then the wall comes up and the fear kicks in. I’m not good enough for anything or anyone and I’m so scared he’ll change his mind when he knows.
I am so frightened he’ll take one look at me with knowledge about my eating disorder and he’ll run a mile. I’m terrified he’ll think I’m disgusting, but why wouldn’t he? I am the girl who skips meals and makes herself sick. I am the girl who can’t eat three meals a day without something going wrong. I am damaged goods and no one wants to be with someone who’s broken.
He knows somethings not quite right and he just wraps me in his arms and he just holds me and all the pain seems to fade. All the hurt and anger leaves my heart and I’m the most relaxed I’ve ever felt. I feel like I can let it all out if I wanted to and that he would let me if and whenever I needed to.
When I’m with him I feel safe. I can’t quite explain why and I can’t quite work out how but I’m safe when I’m in his arms. I’m away from the pressures consuming me and the voices screaming at me seem like a distant memory. I feel like I can melt into his arms and that he can drain away the pain and for those few moments it does; I haven’t told him but I let myself curl up so tightly into his chest and I let the hurt drift away and for that one moment the sun starts shining and the rain clouds disappear. For that short space of time, he’s the umbrella shielding me from demons and storms he knows nothing about.
I seem to forget everything. I seem to judge myself far less and I seem to be a little bit more like me. But then he leaves and I’m left with the fear and the dread that consumes me so quickly once I’m alone. I’m desperate to tell him, I want to open up but I am so petrified of losing him. Of losing the one person who makes me feel better by doing nothing at all, the one person who makes me feel safe in this ever raging storm that leaves me battered, bruised, and broken at the end of every day.
How is it possible for someone you’ve just met to make you feel so perfect? How does someone make everything better when they don’t even know what’s going on? How can you spend hours with someone you barely know and not even notice? How can I like someone this much so quickly?
Why would he like me?
Why would he want anything to do with me?
I’m nothing. I’m weak. I’m a failure and I’m fat.
But he’s not like the others, the ex who hurt me, the so-called friends who used me as a bet, the guys who made me feel like nothing more than a piece of fun. I know he’s not like that and I feel like he likes me for me, but as strange as this sounds, thats a concept I can’t get my head around. It’s playing havoc with my emotions. The voices telling me I’m worthless and that I need to protect myself fighting with the voice telling me to have a little faith, to trust him. To trust myself.
I feel so broken, I feel like the wreck after the storm, but he makes me feel perfect. I may be feel like a wreck but he makes me feel like a beautiful one.
I’m going to tell him and I’m going to do it tomorrow. And if he leaves me broken I know my friends will be straight there to put me back together. But I trust him and I don’t think he will leave me broken.
I think that maybe, he might be able to fix the part of me that no one has ever been able to fix before.