Tuesday Night

He caught me. I heard his footsteps but I didn’t have enough time. Not enough time to clean up or sort myself out. Just not enough time.

I panicked and I freaked out. It happened so fast yet felt so slow. I heard him coming in and I rushed, I tried to sort everything out. Don’t see me like this. Please don’t see me like this. Not now. Not ever. I tried to hide it but it was pointless. I tried to cover myself up but nothing was within my reach. The fear had filled me up completely, I’ve never felt so scared than in those few brief moments.

I thought I was being careful. I thought he couldn’t hear me. I thought I had gotten good at being silent…that sounds so bad now I’ve typed it out.

I’ve never felt more scared than I did on Tuesday night. I was convinced that was it. He would leave. Why wouldn’t he? I’ve never felt so disgusting or embarrassed and the pain burned through me like a thousand knives stabbing their way to my heart. I’ve not panicked like that before either. I just couldn’t bear to think he was about to see me purging, that he was about to walk in.

Thought he wouldn’t notice. Bath running, doors shut, music blasting. Thought it would cover any sound I made. I was wrong about that. But I was wrong about other stuff too.

He caught me on Tuesday night. But he didn’t leave. He wasn’t cruel to me like others have been in the past. He picked me up and held me. Held me so tight I could barely breathe but I didn’t care. He didn’t make me apologise or make me feel the way that Demon does. He just held me whilst I cried. Whilst all the tears came running and he didn’t let me go. I’ve never needed him as much as I did that night.

I’m almost glad he caught me. I don’t feel like I’ve lost his trust but as if I’ve lost my trust in myself. He didn’t even ask me to but I’ve made sure I’m with him after meals and all the doors are open when I’m in the bathroom. Its weird because its not that he doesn’t trust me, but rather, I don’t trust me.

One relapse. And a bad one at that, but I’ve stuck to my food plan this week relatively well otherwise. Half way there. One step back but a few steps forward.

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