Drifting

Not gaining but not losing either. Feels like I’m hovering in limbo, wanting to lose s few pounds but almost as if I’m not even trying. I’m not overeating but I’m not under eating either. You could say that’s the best position I could be in but the voice tells me it’s not.

Im constantly drifting in and out of weight loss and weight gain. To be honest my eating has been really quite good this week but I feel lost again. I feel that nagging sense of dissatisfaction, the one that eats away at me and I’m struggling to get out of it.

One day, I’m happy, but the next I feel sad. Down for no reason. Just drifting in and out of different feelings and the emotions drive me insane. Logic against the demon. I came away from Manchester this weekend too, went to Ben’s house and it’s so nice to be away, more than often I feel as if my demons are fully rooted in manchester, as if everything is better when I’m not there.

but they still find a way of haunting me. I freaked out going to the shops, no control over what food would be served for dinner, no control over what would be given to me, afraid they’d find out about my problems if I asked for less or ate too much. It’s that feeling of having to pretend, act like you’re fine, no one will ask questions that way which is what I want. To be left alone. And in control.

I can’t explain it other than by saying I feel as if I’m in limbo. I don’t know what to do or where to go next. I want to be slimmer but I also don’t want to be. I want to be happier and so I focus on weight but I also don’t focus o n weight as much as I used to. Maybe it’s the demon sinking its claws in, trying to drag me back down into that pit of self loathing. It almost has. But I’m walking a fine line. Hovering on the brink . It’s almost as if I’m drifting in and out of recovery and relapse. I just never know which day is going to be which and, worse yet, if ill be able to stop stepping too far into the relapse zone.