Stillness

Standing still but my mind won’t stop spinning. I don’t want to hurt like this and I don’t know what’s going to make it stop. I can’t decide which path to take and I know I’m hurting him. I can’t hurt him. I don’t want to break his heart and its breaking mine.

I need my brain to sit still. I need it to stop being a hazy mess but nothing seems to make it any clearer. Nothing is helping, nothing is going to help. I don’t want to put him in pain. I can’t bear to do that but I’m in pain. This decision is breaking me in two and it’s making me ill.

I can barely eat, I can barely sleep, I can barely sit still and I just want to be still. I want everything to be still and silent and empty so I can breathe.

I want this sea of emotions that’s getting darker and rougher to settle, be still and clear so I can do what is right.

I think I know.

But I don’t want to hurt him.

I never wanted to hurt him. Doing that kills me inside. It makes me hate myself.

I don’t want to hurt myself anymore.

I’m hurting enough already.

 

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