Walking Disaster

So much for getting stronger, so much for feeling happier. It’s all come crashing down and true to my style, oh so monumentally.

Thought I was getting better but crashed so hard. I can taste the burning at the back of my throat. I can feel the acid.

I was doing so well but that conversation, that fight, past memories I had almost gotten over came raining down on me, drowning me.

So many things I don’t want to think about. I was moving on, I was slowly forgiving myself for what happened. I don’t understand why he wants anything to do with me, after all this time.

Why would anyone want anything to do with me. Im just this broken walking disaster. Where’s that girl, from last night, so confident and proud to be herself… why has she disappeared so quick?

How does one conversation with a single person make her  shy away again? Why does everything I do, everything that I think is right, isn’t right? Why can’t she do anything right, keep everyone happy, herself happy?

One big, huge failure.

No ones ever going to love that, always be worthless.

Saving Me

Always the one who is trying to save everyone else, trying to save each friendship and each family relationship, trying to find a solution, the in-between, that keeps everyone happy. So why does it feel as though no one wants to save their relationship with me?

Am I not worth saving?

Why do I try to compromise, try to swallow my pride to save a friendship and yet the other never seems to budge from their standpoint? I try to find that middle ground, try to back off in order to save the friendship and stop the arguments but it doesn’t feel like there was any reciprocation. Not really. Not ever.

Used and taken for granted.

The second one hurts more because I’m used to being used. But fuck it. Fuck it because I am worth so much more.

I am worth so much more than anyone who doesn’t value my friendship or the effort I put into that relationship or anything I have done for them. I’d always let them know how much I love and appreciate them but I never hear the same words back.

I am worth so much more than what I think I am. So much more than what people have made me feel that I am.

And I know that. I’m getting so close to being in the best shape of my life, not just physically but mentally and the best of it is, is that people are starting to notice that. I’m starting to notice that. I’m starting to notice that I am slowly saving myself and becoming the best version of me.

And that version of me is worth the effort and the special treatment. I’m worth someone who will want to show me off and take me out and do things with me. I am worth someone wanting to maintain any type of friendship with me. I know I am worth that and so much more.

I am smart and funny and I am beautiful.

I don’t think I’ve said that for a long time but it feels great to not just say it, but to believe it.

Friends, relationships, family…they’re all missing out on me and they’re gonna miss me. They’re all going to realise what they had and what I did for them and what I would have done for them but by the time they realise that, they’ll be seeing me with someone who treats me the way I should be treated.

I’m becoming happier and stronger and I am so proud of that but one day I’m going to be so strong and so happy that I won’t even notice them missing me.

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Worthless

I feel as if I’m in a constant state of numbness. Nothing is getting me out of this rut I’m in and so many thoughts are running through my head. It’s starting to get clearer but that doesn’t mean the pain goes away, in fact, it makes it hurt more.

He tried to convince me that I, myself, wasn’t the problem. Rather, it was the expectations of a relationship that were the problem. It’s still so hard because that doesn’t make it feel much better. He said it was things he couldn’t change about himself, not me. That little voice whispers in my head, if I was perfect he would have wanted to do those things, that the root of the problem was still me.

I just want to be looked after. So many years of hurt, mental abuse, being used by friends, boys, family and the like whilst always being there to help others has made me into the person who doesn’t appreciate her self-worth.

I always feel like I don’t deserve to have someone who goes above and beyond to show me how much I’m worth but deep down I really want that. Don’t we all want that? Am I wrong to want to be shown how much I’m worth? Is it wrong to like romance these days? Am I expecting too much?

Will I never be good enough or right for anyone?

Surely I’m worth something? Surely I’m worth someone’s efforts?

Maybe I’m not. Maybe I’m stupid to want some romantic treatment. I don’t need to be treated as someone’s princess, I’m not like that, but that doesn’t mean it wouldn’t be nice for someone to go that complete extra mile.

Don’t I deserve that type of effort?

I thought he was perfect for me. I tried to show him, I cooked and cleaned, I tried to find free stuff to do, I don’t think I pressured him to take me out, I wanted him to but I tried not to ask too much and I never cared he was financially struggling and so I tried to suggest cheap things. I couldn’t bear for him to constantly have wet feet with his ruined trainers so I got him new ones. I tried to balance my money so I didn’t have to ask him too much but that meant when I did ask we were both financially stretched. I tried so hard to get into football so I could enjoy it with him. I got him a card for our 1 year but never gave it to him because I knew he hadn’t got me something and I didn’t want him to panic or feel bad, so I ignored that and just hid what I bought because I loved him more than a card. I knew he was stressed for some reason back then but he wouldn’t tell me. I actually thought he was the one for me and I feel really stupid for letting myself think that.

I feel like I should have known better. I was so dubious at first because he had told me he didn’t like relationships and I was scared but I ignored that because I thought he was perfect for me. I fell in love so fast and I fell in love with someone who I do believe genuinely loved me but who doesn’t like relationships. I should’ve known it would end badly. That we would both end up hurt.

I know he cares about me, I know he’s not lied about ever loving me or that he still does. There was so much good in the relationship too, he wasn’t like the others, he was so much different. I don’t forget how much he helped me, how he reacted to my eating disorder, how great he was. I think that could be why it hurts more, because he’s a good person, just not a relationship person.

He’s trying to be so nice to me. He’s trying to tell me its not me, that there’s nothing wrong with me but its so hard not to take such a comment personally. It’s so hard to not feel this pain. The pain of feeling worthless.

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Brain = 1, Heart = 0

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I should have listened to my brain instead of following my heart. It was right, it’s always right.

I’ll be okay, deep down I knew it was coming and I know it was right. My brain knows but my heart aches.

It was a nice visit nonetheless and being friendly is fine with me and don’t get me wrong because I knew it was too soon for any sort of reconciliation. I know that everything is still too raw for both of us and that there could be potential in the future, but there’s just one little thing that’s stuck in my head. I know where I stand right now and that’s fine but he said that being out of a relationship made him realise how stressed he was being in one.

That he loved me but didn’t realise until now that being in a relationship stressed him out.

Ouch.

Ouch.

I had no idea he was unhappy with me. I mean, I thought he was distant and didn’t want to be with me but he told me he did and I believe him.

I thought he wasn’t treating me like a girlfriend and now I know why. He was unhappy with me. He didn’t like the relationship we were in and was waiting for me to move to London so things would get better. But he never told me that back then. He wouldn’t tell me why he seemed so stressed out but now I know.

It was me.

I was the problem.

It makes so much sense now.

Everything makes so much more sense. Deep down he didn’t want me and yes he wanted to stay when we broke up, he wanted to try harder than I could but now that its over he mustn’t have been truly happy in the first place.

That’s probably why he wasn’t telling me why he was stressed out and being distant. Because I was the problem. I’m always the problem. I know I’m too much, I know I’m damaged and have a million things wrong with me. I also know he loved me, he really did but I mustn’t have been good for him either.

I was so unhappy back then too because I felt he wouldn’t open up to me and talk and all I wanted to do was help him with whatever was stressing him out. Now I realise it was me. It was being committed to me at that time that stressed him out.

I caused everything to go wrong. Every last detail was my fault.

I’m not trying to play the victim. He would have been so hurt to to hear that I was unhappy and had reached the decision I reached 2 months ago. But I was  unhappy because I was convinced he didn’t like me being his girlfriend. I just really wish he had told me what the problem was. Rather than my mind jumping to conclusions…then again…surely my mind jumped to the right conclusion? That he wasn’t happy with me.

There was something wrong with me. Being with me made him distant and that caused the feelings I had. There’s something wrong with being with me. Something wrong with me. That’s how it feels right now. That’s how much it hurts right now.

It hurts so much to know that I caused so much stress. That he now realises being in a relationship was too much. I feel like I made him so unhappy and I can’t believe I did that.  I really love him and I wanted it to get better, I couldn’t understand what was going wrong but now I know.

I don’t know what I did wrong.

But it was me. I was doing something wrong. Being in a relationship was wrong. He would never have meant to hurt me with his words. Maybe they weren’t meant to come out the way they did.

I’ve never been good enough for many things. We had a lovely time hanging out and I do want to stay close but that realisation has really hurt me. It’s a different kind of pain right now. I’m not sure how to cope with this type of pain.

I should have listened to my brain.

My heart is so much more broken than before.

Day 2

Last night was the first night I’ve really slept. I’m not even exaggerating when I say that I don’t think I’ve had a proper sleep for 3 months now. I think it could be linked to something…but it also might not be. For the first time in forever, my head wasn’t racing and I’ve felt the least stressed out that I’ve been forever.

No head spinning and today was a good day. Day 2. I’ve finally made it to day 2 and I feel happier. Maybe that link isn’t just a coincidence…its not necessarily all good, there’s a lot to sort out still but I was finally able to sleep and that alone felt good.

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