I am tired of trying to hold things together that cannot be held. Trying to control what cannot be controlled. I am exhausted from people playing with my heart and messing with my brain; taking advantage of the fact they just know I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt. I am tired of denying myself what I want for fear of breaking things I cannot fix. For fear of not being able to fix myself.
Everything breaks no matter what we do but I’m fighting so hard to keep it all together.
I’m really grateful right now for the support network I have. These friends may not know about my previous battles, I’ve not told them anything at all but the fact they are there for me and seem to want to be there means the world. It’s so very important to notice the people who make an effort to stay in your life but it’s so very easy to not notice exactly who is making that effort.
Everybody’s damaged. I am not the only one. It’s just a question of how badly and whether you’re healing or still bleeding. Some days I feel like I’m healing but most days I feel like I’m bleeding. My eating has been all over the place and I think it’s partly just a matter of me falling into bad habits.
I’ve tried to get my days more in order. More of a routine. I’m waking up at 7 each day and getting to the library for half 8 and I work until 6. It seems to be working for me, as crazy as it sounds, I’m tired from the early starts but my body seems to be so grateful for the routine. A little bit of normality has definitely, helped my eating.
It’s hard not to judge myself against these skinny girls but I really think they’re genuine. I had a small party at mine and I don’t feel judged. I love being social and it’s not a way to ‘fit in’ but it’s nice to feel like they like me. They make me feel like I’m worth something and I think they’re being honest when they tell me I deserve so much.
The thing is, I feel like I do, but I’ve spent my life being the middle man in family arguments, holding things together when no one else was strong enough to. I’ve had my time swallowing my pride just to stop the fights. I’ve spent my years, letting people take advantage of me always thinking that they’ll realise and have some decent nature in them to make it up to me. To show me they care. To show me I’m worth it. To show me they’re not taking advantage.
But they never do and yet I always give them the benefit of the doubt.
I do see my worth though, and when you start seeing your worth, it’s harder to stay around people who don’t. Even regarding family, I just can’t be bothered with my dad and mum is basically begging me to get in touch with him but why should I? Why, after all this time, even though I expressly tell them, they don’t appreciate it’s not good for my recovery. I literally don’t care anymore.
I really feel lucky though. I have come across an amazing group of friends and every day is filled with laughter. I suppose the issue is that most of my pain has been caused by the men in my life over the years. I’m in no rush. I’m over what happened last week but I’m in no rush. Take every day as it comes. There’s a difference between someone who wants you and someone who would make the effort to keep you. I just need to get better at recognising the difference.
Sometimes, people need to be reminded of just how important we are. Words are nice, but actions are far more exquisite and I am enough. I am a thousand times enough. Maybe it’s time for the fighter to be fought for, for the holder to be held and for the lover to be loved.