I don’t quite know how I’ve ended up back here. Back at the bottom of the pit with the demon’s claws digging tighter than ever. The pain I’m feeling lately is excruciating and I don’t even remember how it got so bad.
I did so well towards the end of summer but at the end of August it all went to pot. All came crumbling down but the stone walls went up. I’ve never been so scared to tell anyone, I know I need to open up and reach out for help but I don’t know how.
I’ve never hated myself as much as I hate myself right now. Words like, weak, fat, disgusting, failure spinning round my head on a daily basis. Scared of eating out again, scared of eating in front of people again, scared of calories, trying to find opportunities to purge. Eating food I know is easier to purge.
I’m a mess. Every day I genuinely stand in front of the mirror, hands on the sink struggling to hold myself up, tears falling like rain down my cheeks and the burning in the back of my throat. I can taste it, not the aftermath of the purge but I can taste the hate I have for myself right now.
The pain is just stabbing. I loved myself over summer, I worked so hard and my blog posts show how much progress I was making. How happy I was…I mean I am happy…it’s just why the fuck did I relapse in August…I know why…but why…why was I so weak? They even said ‘you can’t let things constantly make you relapse’…which I don’t…just that one thing. Fucking idiot.
When did this darkness creep up on me again? When did it overcome me? Why was I not strong enough to stop it? Can I stop it?
I need to get rid of this pain but I don’t know how. I feel lost and confused about so many aspects of my life and the only thing keeping me going is law school. But sometimes I want more than just my friends. Sometimes I do want someone there. Just to hold me whilst I cry out all this pain.
Oh I wish I could fall into someone’s arms, even a friends arms and cry all this out. But I can’t. No one knows and I’m not strong enough to tell them right now.