This has been one hell of a horrific week, physically and mentally. I didn’t even realise today was friday, I’ve been that lost all week. I was going out last night and could see how tired I still looked under that make up (and an instagram filter!). I can see there’s a lack of my usual happiness. My spark isn’t there.
My mind was so distant yesterday and I binged. I almost didn’t realise I was bingeing. All I knew was that I wanted to purge, I wanted to throw up the pain I’m in and so I ate. And I ate a lot but when it came to purge I couldn’t.
Not that I couldn’t physically bend over in the freezing cold and put my fingers down my throat (apologies for the crudeness) but that I couldn’t purge. I was gagging and choking but nothing came up. I was so full and yet nothing. The tears were stinging as my whole body was pushing to be sick. My mind racing demanding that my stomach expel all the food. But it wouldn’t. I couldn’t understand it.
It’s bad enough this illness makes me feel disgusting let alone having to have all that food on my stomach. I’ve never been so ashamed nor felt so fat. I avoided all mirrors this morning and I know its bad when I’m not weighing myself because I’m scared (rather than because I don’t care about my weight).
No wonder my epilepsy has been so bad. That should have sent the warning signs going the other day, and it did but last night was a whole new low. A low I’ve not been at for a very long time.
Maybe the scare is worth it though. Made me realise that my body could be at a stage where it really is refusing to throw up. Immune to the gag reflex or something because its in dire need of food.
I actually googled it last night and I came across all these pro-anorexia/bulimia sites. They were horrible. Girls encouraging each other and teaching each other tricks. The thing that did shock me was that these are all tricks I’ve learnt on my own. I don’t want to be part of these sites at all, I was looking to see if the logic in my head, that my body really is refusing, is true.
It hit home a bit, I’m not the only one to experience this. Not just the inability to purge but the thoughts that these other sufferers are feeling too. I knew these types of websites existed but it still shook my system a bit but their words are so relatable.
“Going to gain so much weight if I can’t purge”
“Wish I was anorexic”
I really hate myself. I hate myself when I purge but last night, not being able to purge at all, made me feel ten times worse. My brain wants to restrict again. It doesn’t think about just small healthy portions and exercise. That’s the problem. My eating disorder does and always has hopped between anorexia and bulimia.
I want this to stop. I do so bad. But I need to deal with all this emotional stress before I embrace the practical side of it. God knows I hate myself. I hate how fat I’ve let myself become. I know I can do it. I did it before. I can do it again.
Getting out of the downward spiral is the hard bit. The hardest bit.
I know I can do it though.
I saw one of my best friends last week who’s just had a baby. It’s a bit cliche but when I was holding her I was thinking about the day I have my own and how it would kill me if they grew up and suffered in the same way I have done. I can’t let that happen. I can’t let myself be ill for the rest of my life. It’s no way to live.
I want to lose weight, yes. I want to tone up, yes. But I don’t want to live my life in the clutch of this demon.
I need to restart the clock. No matter what number it is this time. It’s okay to restart again. I don’t care if I’ve said it before, I’m saying it again. Today is going to be day one. Today is going to be the first day of my recovery. I’ve recovered before. Today is my day.
Sometimes our best success comes after our worst mistake.
It’s not how we make mistakes but how we correct them that defines us