It’s strange how a day can genuinely turn everything around. I was really open in my last post and although my close friends have always read my writing I made it more public. Just through Instagram but the thing is, I don’t care who reads this, just being more open, being less secretive really helps me.
I don’t go around announcing to the world that I suffer from eating disorders but I do mention it occasionally and not keeping things under lock and key makes me feel less ashamed. I shouldn’t feel ashamed in the first place but knowing I’m attempting to keep something secret is so incredibly draining. Being able to share a little bit more with the outside world made me breathe a sigh of relief. Not from an attention seeking point of view, but simply, weight off my shoulders.
It took a hell of a lot of strength to publish it though.
It’s hard to explain unless you’ve gone through something like a mental illness but sometimes asking for help feels near impossible and maybe it was my way of opening up and declaring that I really was struggling. Regardless, becoming more public just provided so much relief for me. Knowing I was brave enough to share with more people that this is something I am still very much struggling with.
Good news though…yesterday was day one.
I did day one and oh did I do it well!
And oh am I proud of how I coped last night. I am so incredibly proud of myself, faced with what could have been another detrimental evening during my current state of relapse. But now its day two…so now I’m back in recovery.
Now I’m sat (supposedly revising) and I’ve eaten breakfast for the first time since I can remember and I’m not referring to a sole cup of coffee that I usually stick to. There’s something different though, I feel happy. My spark seems to be back. Not just from writing but I simply had the best time I have had in such a long time last night. So many laughs and ‘Len-Moments’ but I just have not laughed like that in a very long time. Maybe opening up further than I’ve opened up before helped me do that.
I don’t want to be a burden to my friends, I don’t want to be the one with an eating disorder but the truth is, anyone going through anything needs to open up. Keeping things under lock and key is not healthy no matter how small the issue is. I’ve always felt down here that because no one really close to me knows, its been harder for me to open up but sharing my blog with more people seems to have helped with that.
I don’t want pity or attention from sharing my blog but I also know that’s not what my friends would ever do. They care about me and what I’m going through because I know, if it was the other way round, I would care equally as much for them.
Its time to get rid of the lock and the key. I don’t need to unload catastrophically on anyone but, let’s face reality, I can’t recover if people don’t know that I’m trying to recover from something, can I? The biggest part of ED recovery is to stop feeling ashamed, especially with bulimia and if its a secret it means I’m ashamed. And I shouldn’t be and I’m not. I’m proud of myself and what I’ve overcome and at the end of a horrific week, last night could have killed me physically and mentally but I didn’t let it. I went out to dinner and drinks and danced til the sun came up and yes, I felt fat going out, I knew my dress was tighter than I wanted but god, did I need those laughs and god, am I proud that although the Demon’s voice was telling me to cancel and not go out, I didn’t listen.
I didn’t let it lock me up and keep me under control. I put the voice to one side and went and enjoyed myself. Unbelievably hard at first but unbelievably worth it. Even the selfie shows the confidence I had….I should really stop taking selfies…nah…who gives a fuck? If I think I look good I’ll damn well document it!
Because ultimately thats it. If I think I look good, if I think about how proud I am of myself, if I have that confidence, I don’t need anyone to instil it in me. I can do that on my own. Getting my spark back is the first big step in my new recovery and I felt it sparkle all night long.