There’s something different about me lately. Something more me. I can’t quite pin it down, well I think I can. I feel so happy. So unbelievably happy at the moment and there isn’t a single reason why, there’s many reasons why.
Quite importantly, I feel like I’m allowing myself to lose control but in a good way!
I’m not trying to overly control my eating but, rather, I’m letting things happen because you know what? Life happens. It just does and there’s nothing we can do about it other than push to be the best version of ourselves. And if people don’t like who we are, then stuff them. Because, let’s be honest, we don’t want negative people in our lives. We don’t need that. We never have and we never will.
I feel as though I’ve let go of some of the internal stigma I have regarding my eating disorder. Ultimately other people don’t judge me for suffering with an ED but I judge me. That’s so important to recognise in order for me to overcome this. I don’t feel as ashamed as I used to be, I feel as though being far more open has led me to making leaps and bounds in my recovery.
Even last night, I said to my friend, the reason I don’t want dinner is because I’m scared of getting fat. However, I need to eat something so I’m just going to have some fruit. We both knew that wasn’t a ‘dinner’ but we also both knew that, for me, eating anything at all was a huge step.
Although I’m more open, I’m still scared of a couple of people finding out but I suppose that I will eventually become comfortable with sharing with those specific people. I was actually scared and removed the link to my blog from one of my social media posts just in case they see it somehow. That move got me thinking, why am I scared? Why don’t I want them to know? Truth is, I don’t want them to judge me because I care what they think about me, and this links back to that internal stigma I mentioned above.
I know I’m scared because I want them to like me and I know that if they judge me because of my eating disorder then I don’t need them in my life. Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do. I’m getting so close to owning everything about me. I’m so proud of who I have become over the years, especially for forgiving people and for never changing who I have always been at heart.
I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea, I may not be the coolest girl going, I know I’m not totally awesome but right now…I feel..flawesome.
I’ve always been that girl who owns everything about herself that might not be the ‘norm’. When I was younger, I was never really scared of the bullies or coaches and always stood up for myself. I know that changed, I know they broke me down but through it all I stayed as true to myself as I could because I know I don’t want to change me.
I love me.
I love my humour, my intelligence, my laid back-ness (not a word, I know!), I love that I panic sometimes because it shows I care.
However, I do know that I don’t love my body shape…I don’t know if I ever will…but I’m happy right now. I’m happy revelling in my own presence and being well and truly flawesome because I just want to have a completely adventurous, madly passionate, wonderfully weird, very Len, life.
And that is exactly what is happening right now.