Remember, remember the 5th of November. Gunpowder, treason and plot. We see no reason, why gunpowder treason, should ever be forgot!
When I was younger I really didn’t like fireworks. I used to be quite scared of loud noises and knowing there was going to be a bang used to make me jump twice as hard. I suppose when you anticipate something, it’s always going to be worse. It’s always best to just sit back, relax and let things unfold the way they should.
I’m not just talking about fireworks anymore.
My whole life was spent trying to anticipate things, maybe in an attempt to control the outcomes. In some situations, I knew what the outcome was going to be but the wait in anticipation of that outcome was ever so draining. For example, I might have had a bad race, look up at my final time and think shit he’s going to kill me. The walk from the swimming pool to my coach was exhausting, knowing just knowing I was about to get ripped into…knowing they were going to comment on my weight…probably monitor my weight even closer.
That was, unfortunately, something I couldn’t control but I used to think I could. I believed if I kept my weight as low as possible they couldn’t use it against me. That if I had a bad race but I weighed 52kg, they couldn’t imply I was fat. Just one of the many lies my ED told me in order to keep me from being healthy.
When I look back on my journey, I really did think being skinny would solve everything. I thought people would like me more, coaches would stop pressuring me, boys would be attracted to me, that I would be happier. I genuinely thought skinny equated to value.
That as long as I was skinny, nothing else mattered.
I can’t quite remember when the need to control the chaos started but it started fast and it started hard. Coaches drilled into me that I was in control of every single choice, from going to bed 5 minutes late, to not being able to complete an essay on time, to eating one spoonful too much and that every choice was going to affect the final outcome. I understand what they were trying to get at but what they forgot was so very key. They forgot that control needs moderation. It needs to be flexible.
I really wasn’t back then, the control, the restriction, the purging, it all kept coming full circle dragging me down and down. I tried to anticipate what the scales would say, anticipate what time I would do if I was a certain weight, anticipate what they could and couldn’t say about me if I weighed so little.
I only really considered this yesterday, about how trying to anticipate things made me seek this intense control that I, ironically, could not control. It’s funny how considering the anticipation of the bang from a firework brought this to my attention but then again, my writings always been a bit poetic, very metaphorical.
Bringing my thoughts to the present day, bonfire night was a lot of fun. For a couple of reasons I’m still keeping to myself, but third weekend in a row I have had an incredible time. Just so much laughter and feeling at ease and just being me. I’m not going to anticipate what is about to happen here, I’m not going to think. I know where I may like it to go but I’m very happy not overthinking, not trying to convince myself either way, just letting things be.
Enjoying the bonfire and the sparkles in the sky. Enjoying those arms around me. Who knows what is going to happen, but I won’t forget.