Well this wasn’t exactly how I expected my weekend to start…actually last week was nothing if not full of unexpected events.
I remember waking up in the middle of the night with this niggling pain in my lower abdomen. I tried to get comfortable but the pain refused to subside. I looked at my phone and it was something like 5am so I tried to sleep but then all of a sudden I felt as though a knife had cut right through my right hand side.
The pain was incredible, I couldn’t move and could barely breathe. I managed to pull myself up, head spinning and somehow made it to the bathroom to throw up before passing out on the bathroom floor. I only know I passed out because I woke up there completely disoriented. The pain was getting worse so I crawled to my phone and saw it was now 6am. I hate going to the hospital, hate something else going wrong but I knew I had to go.
When I got there, they rushed me right through, tests being done immediately as I tried to get comfortable lying down. God knows what painkillers they gave me but god, did I need them. I was genuinely scared. I was on my own, genuinely in too much pain to pick up my phone to ring anyone. I was shaking and freezing, stomach twisting, passing in and out and then the bleeding started.
I don’t remember much else except waking up to this drip in my arm curled up on the bed. They ran so many tests on me and concluded I’d probably had a cyst on my ovary that had ruptured. Very normal to have and, luckily, everything was going to be fine.
That panic though. That fear that was coursing through my body at 5 am hasn’t quite left me yet though. I’m still quite tight, bit tender around that area but after spending the whole day in bed on Saturday I felt absolutely fine. Just tired and drugged up but absolutely fine. Couple nasty bruises from passing out but nothing major. It’s incredible how something relatively normal, and not too serious, caused me so much pain.
I don’t think I’ve ever been that scared.
I don’t think I’ve ever felt so alone.
The evening was fun though, I’d arranged plans and was in two minds about heading out. To be honest, if I wasn’t okay, I genuinely would not have gone. But the scans showed there were no more cysts and the vast amount of tests they did confirmed nothing else was going wrong inside me.
I do wish I wasn’t always that girl with something going wrong with her. I feel as though it makes me unattractive, in the sense that, people might think I’m hard work because things seem to go wrong with me. Problem is…its not even my fault, I’m just a bit unlucky. It’s funny though, how I didn’t really want people to find out I had spent the early hours until the afternoon in hospital because I genuinely didn’t want to come across as attention-seeking or melodramatic.
Just once, wouldn’t it be nice, to go for a little stretch of time where something doesn’t go wrong. Where something doesn’t happen to me. Well, not gonna lie, it’s been somewhat of a while since I was injured or ill. I just need to work on the timing! As always, its how we deal with hurdles thrown our way that defines us rather than what we’ve had to deal with.
As always, by the evening I was happy and having fun.
As always, I was smiling.
Not quite as always…I ate a curry…and I enjoyed it…I let myself enjoy it…for once there was no fear. I also had a Sunday dinner yesterday. I can’t even remember the last time I ate one of those.
So, I might be the girl who has things go wrong. More frequently than others, it seems. But I’m also the girl who ate two trigger meals this weekend but didn’t get triggered.
The girl who’s always smiling.