I have never seen pretty much everyone at work look so disheartened all week so thank God it’s finally the weekend. Finally time for me to get out of London for a couple of days and just get away from it all. Away from everything. I can’t even put my finger on exactly what I am desperate to get away from but I just have this dull ache inside me that needs to be fixed.
Maybe I was just on a come-down after a packed weekend, maybe I was still in pain from that ruptured cyst, maybe it was that text message, maybe it was this week’s workload, maybe it was nothing but maybe it was everything.
I couldn’t work out why I was feeling a bit meh…but sitting here now on the train has given me plenty of space to think. I feel like I can finally breathe so maybe things were a bit stressful. I haven’t really stopped since I went to Newcastle 5 weeks ago and the past month has admittedly been a bit of a whirlwind.
Something slipped out last night. I said I can’t wait to look after me. Wouldn’t it be nice to look after myself rather than everyone else?
I don’t know why I said it but I must’ve been thinking it.
A someone I didn’t want to hear from sent a text I didn’t want to receive this week. Basically because they’re feeling lonely right now. No. Just no. You can’t do what you did to me and text me months later. Thinking I will be over the moon for you to text. No. Just no. I’m not quite as whole-hearted as I used to be meaning I won’t feel sorry for you and, therefore, reply. You made sure I’m not that girl anymore. I’m no longer that broken girl and you can’t use me the way you did. Not anymore. Never again.
I don’t want you to text me ever again.
And that was that. But it really knocked me a bit because I’m sick and tired of people trying to pick me up where they left me…where they literally dropped me. No. Just no. I’m tired of people getting in touch when they want something, never just to see how I am. I’m fed up of being used and taken for granted and although I point blank refused to let that person back in my life it still left me feeling rough.
There was a lot of good this week too, definitely ended on a high rather than the low I started on but even then, my brain is still spinning. I keep telling myself to stop falling. I’m trying to hold on so tight to these walls and although they’ve come down I’m still ever so scared. I’m perfectly happy with whatever is happening right now. That’s not the issue. I’m genuinely happy with whatever ‘this’ is but I think my hearts beginning to beat faster.
I’m scared and yet simultaneously feel so very calm about it all. There’s things he says or does that make me think he really likes me but then I’m also not too sure. I’m still a little bit scared of getting hurt again…I thought I wasn’t scared anymore but writing makes me realise I must be.
I’m scared of getting used again. Being taken advantage of. Taken for granted. Made to feel worthless
But I do like him and don’t want to shy away from this one in order to protect myself. I’ve happily taken each day as it comes and I’m going to keep doing that but I still feel vulnerable. I know that I don’t want whatever ‘this’ is to end right now. That doesn’t mean I want things to jump to any other level but I don’t want this feeling to end. That means the ball is in his court so to speak. I know I want to see him again and I think that’s what makes me feel vulnerable, almost like I’m not in control of the situation.
A problem of mine is that I’m whole-hearted. I go full heart or nothing at all. That goes for family, friends, work, everyone. If I care about you, you know and equally if I don’t like you, you know. I will bend over backwards for those I care about and people have taken advantage of that in the past. They’ve abused the fact I care with the whole of my heart and they’ve crushed it without thinking twice.
But I can’t let my past define my future.
I’m very happy with my life right now. I am so incredibly scared at the same time but a little bit of fear keeps you on your toes. I’ve shown this week I am prepared to cut out the deadwood in my life and ultimately, those who want to stay in my life will make the effort and I’ve learnt who deserves my effort in return.
I’ve learnt the hard way which people deserve this whole heart of mine but that simply means I love all those people twice as hard.