That’s right…V-Day-D-Day got worse yesterday AFTER I published my new post so here I am making an additional one. In all honesty, this guy deserves a separate post anyway, so well done him!
Firstly, let me provide you with some humour as to why some of my previous Valentine’s are ‘special’ in a not-so-special-way:
- 2013 – I was surprised when we arrived at the restaurant with a triple date with people I really didn’t like.
- 2014 – A friend was visiting for the week and instead of sleeping next door I found him in my bed and he harassed me.
- 2015- A date was kidnapped by his sports team right when I was due to meet him – story was never verified but I’m happy to award points for originality here.
- 2016 – I was in a relationship where the guy didn’t do anything, where I felt more single than had I actually been alone.
And 2o17?!?! Drum roll please my lovelies!
So, I basically got dumped by a best friend yesterday but remember that guy who hurt me? (I refer to posts such as Shit Happens, A Beautiful Contradiction, Raw)…he damn well text me. It’s sort of ironic considering there was a hint of him in my mind when I wrote V-Day-D-Day (part 1) about boys lying to me.
My heart sank when his name flashed up on my phone. I actually panicked a bit. I didn’t know what to do. I do miss the fun we had. But this guy hurt me. When we were ‘dating’ he continually asked me to trust him. He wanted me to think he was genuine. He seemed to care whether I had eaten or not. He asked about my past and the future I wanted. I met a couple of his friends and he met mine.
And so I opened up that heart of mine. Just a little bit. I spent so long with my heart in a cage but I let my heart open up to the idea of something more.
The idea of being with him.
I tried to keep my heart shut but friends convinced me that he liked me. He was doing things that were more than sex. We had sober dates, romantic dates and of course we had drunken dates.
For the first time in forever, I thought someone liked me. And I let myself like that person back.
I let myself become vulnerable because I thought he was worth it.
But then one evening he ripped the band-aid off.
Let’s be honest this has been completely platonic. I thought after ten weeks I would have developed feelings but I haven’t. There’s never been any sort of spark between us. I want to fall in love with my best friend and you’re not that. We should end this.
Never been a spark.
You’re not that.
The Demon was incredibly cruel to me following that. It told me I was stupid to think he liked me, that I was wrong to open up when he asked me to, that I was weak for revealing my vulnerability, that I’m only good for sex and not worth anything else. It told me I was ugly and fat and had I never told him about my ED he would have liked me.
It told me lies. Just like he told me lies.
I’ve written before that I don’t want him back but that hopeless romantic in me thought what if he wants to apologise? What if he wants to make up for what he did? I’ll never sleep with him but could we be amicable?
So I truly was just sex to him for almost 3 months and last night showed he has no respect for me whatsoever. To think he could even consider trying to do this to me.
That’s what stabbed my heart last night. That’s what broke me a little bit more. Any consolation that perhaps I was a touch more than sex, gone.
I live my life by what I call the three-C’s. Stay Classy, never Chase a boy and never Crawl back. He dumped me and I never begged him to change his mind. I strongly remember holding my head high through the tears and walking out of that bar leaving him to settle the bill. I proudly remember refusing to reply to his text following that evening.
(Well done NYE-Drunk Len…you did us proud ❤ )
I’ve slowly been moving on and you think you can play on the fact you know I had feelings for you? You think I’m the type of girl to wait and hope for you to like me back?
Well, you’re a dick and I don’t want you back.
It’s your loss [insert name here]
You chose to lose me and now there’s definitely no prospect of anything ever happening again. He apologised after I replied. I bet he didn’t think I’d turn him down…I bet he thought I’d go running…but that shows how cruel he is.
How cruel some men are to play with our feelings, to pick up and drop our fragile hearts without a care in the world.
You clearly still think about me. You clearly still want me, even if it’s to sleep with me. You clearly had some level of ‘spark’ if you actually had the balls to text me to try get me.
But.You. Can’t. Have. Me.
I was crying before but now I’m smiling.
And you know what, my lovelies? That means I’ve won.
He chose to lose me.
But I chose to respect myself and the value of my body and my soul.
I chose me ❤
And just look at what he can’t ‘tap’ anymore….