Strength in Trust

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Sleepless nights that aren’t so sleepless anymore.
Night time Demons visiting less and less.
Still there. Still lurking. Still creeping around but maybe I’m stronger now.

Strong enough to read my ‘recovery book’ with all the steps I know I need to follow.
The steps my therapist trusts me to follow without the need for him to tell me to.
The book with all my little tips I know help make me stronger.

But when I’m not battling the night-time-Demon I’ve got the one that visits each day.
The one that taunts and tells me one more time.

One more meal.
Miss one more meal.
Push until lunch, until dinner, until bedtime, until morning.
Push on through the hunger. 

And if I’m strong enough to ignore those demands it starts a new line of attack.

One more purge.
One more bathroom visit.
Just do it now, and do it later and once again before bed.
Push on and get rid of it.

Such a happy year so far and I’m desperate to not let anything ruin just how happy I feel right now. I want to be strong enough to stop this.

And the affliction with the scales is forever the worst. A mix of fear yet desperation to know that  irrelevant number. Thinking it’ll give me the control I crave when I know it doesn’t.

Taking myself back to basics.
The Demon says I’m weak for it but I know I’m not.
Fishing out my old flashcards I’d look at in stages of panic.
Drawing out diagrams to work through the mix of emotions to reach an action plan.
Talking.
Writing.
Allowing myself time and space to heal.

To become strong again.

Even sending pictures of my meals to him so he knows I’ve at least made food. Won’t know if I’ve eaten it but I know that he’s trusting me to. Someone genuinely caring if I’ve eaten. Wanting to know, chasing me up if I haven’t sent a picture and I simply can’t lie and tell him that I’ve eaten when I know I haven’t.

I remember a dark day where I went for help and the reply was ‘I know you’ve not been eating/purging for 4 weeks but I’m not going to come to you and ask about it, gotta do it yourself.’
That response made me feel so weak – but then again, if I knew a friend/boyfriend was in trouble, would I wait for them to come to me? No.

I wasn’t weak in that situation.
I just wasn’t supported.
And yet, I thought I was the problem. I thought things were bad because I wasn’t a good enough girl for him which made me try even harder rather than walking.
But that’s in the past.

And I’m stronger for it.
Everyone tells me how strong I am.
Yet there’s day’s I believe it and days I don’t.

And I feel stronger simply because they trust me. He’s trusting me to eat. They’re all trusting me to eat. I just need to trust myself.
Trust myself that three healthy meals won’t make me gain weight.
Trust myself to balance eating and exercise in a healthy way.
Trust myself to avoid the urges.
Trust myself to put away the scales.

Because they trust me, I start to trust myself.
Trust myself that I’m strong enough because if my entire life is anything to go by…I know I am.

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4 thoughts on “Strength in Trust

  1. The only boyfriend I told about ED before my last partner (I was about 19 and we’d been going out over a year) said to me ‘I hope you don’t expect me to be some knight in shining armour expected to rescue you. Man that hurt. We stayed together for another year and never spoke about it again but I wish I could go back and tell my younger self to look him straight in the eye and tell him ‘I don’t expect you to save me but I do expect you to support me and to want to support me’ but I didn’t, but I wrote that in my journal that night and they are words that I still tell myself. Yes we can do this for ourselves but yes it’s nice to have love and support and I’m glad you’ve found some!

    Liked by 1 person

    • It’s a horrible feeling when you have the courage to ask for help and it’s basically thrown back in your face. No wonder I felt as if I was a burden and still get scared that opening up will make me a burden to others. I never asked to be saved by a guy but, you’re right, its nice to have that support, definitely isn’t a journey I can do on my own. It’s almost strange too, to be experiencing a completely different reaction from someone. The first boyfriend who found out accidentally reacted really bad and said ‘if you want to do that then do it, I’m too busy for this’ and yet when I tried to break up a year or so later I was told, ‘but they’re all going to hurt you, I love you even though you’re bulimic, they won’t’ and that hurt even more, someone manipulating my illness. Then the second guy I actually told was great and his reaction was brilliant but then the support was never there and if he wouldn’t help me do things like food shopping or cook or things I really struggled with. When I asked for help it hurt he had noticed. He would say things like, you’re not as sneaky as you think you are, you’re not good at lying – I wasn’t trying to be sneaky, I wasn’t trying to lie, I was struggling and was trying to ask for help. There were many reasons why we ended he did say he’d ‘helped me through so much’ – someone manipulating the illness again! It took a lot of strength when he said that to me to realise I didn’t want to be in that situation once more. Don’t get me wrong, not all boys are..well boys, but it make such a change to have what I believe is genuine support for once. From him, from friends and from people like you ❤

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  2. Recovery is such a complex thing X I don’t have much words but I feel that strength others are talking about in your words and in the courage it takes for any of us to recognise when we’re suffering and within that suffering, care for ourself and find a way onwards. It takes courage to share vulnerability and ask for help. It takes strength to recognise how manipulative and bullying the ed voice is. Sending kindness and support xx Em

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for your kind words ❤ I was inadvertently taught to be ashamed of asking for help and it's almost strange to be in a situation where someone is actually asking to help me. It sounds silly but I almost don't know how to react simply because I've not had it before. So I'll do what I always do – take every day as it comes! xx

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