This is what my ED looks like

An llness that doesn’t care for age, height, gender or (rather ironically) weight.

My ED carries a smile. A smile that whispers to the world ‘I’m fine’. A smile that begs for someone to ask ‘what’s wrong?’ but knows that if anyone does, it’ll crack.

My ED walks with a head held high. One that’s determined not to fall. Held tall all day throughout the storm, pushing to make it through. But the storm just grows. Cruel voices that start out small but grow so loud. 

My ED stands on shaky ground. Legs struggle with the weight. They walk with pride but before the mirror the ground always quakes. 

My ED has hands that grip the sides of the bathroom sink or lean on the kitchen table. Everything tense, trying to pull me high. 

My ED has eyes that are tired of the tears that fall regardless of their source. Eyes so blurry once again, yet again, salty stings running down each cheek.

My ED hasn’t managed to make me purge for four weeks and it’s barely skipped a meal. My ED has only gotten the scales out once but the war rages ever on. The voice tells me it’s because I’m surrounded by people, that I would never have done this on my own. The longing for the scales is only stopped due to a fear of the number being ‘too high’.  My ED still hates the mirror and the hands still grip the sink. The legs still struggle to reach the fridge and the tears forever fall.

Forever falling. 

But my ED isn’t necessarily me. It’s a huge part and that I will never deny but it isn’t me as a whole. 4 weeks and I’ve made it through, kinda, almost, but still, 4 weeks, that much is true. I’ve not been alone but that doesn’t necessarily mean ‘I’m weak’

They see me eat and so they don’t think to ask because my ED carries a smile, the one that says that ‘I’m alright’.

The cruelest trick of all, because inside, I’m most definitely not alright. 

4 thoughts on “This is what my ED looks like

  1. You nailed my relationship with my ED…dead on. Thank you. This is an important blog, and important topic that is so often misunderstood. Thank you thank you thank you!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. That’s spot on. That’s how I feel too. But your doing it. Your getting through it. Your heading in the right direcetion and be so strong and brace in the process. You should be proud of yourself this takes so much strength. And I’m proud of you and thinking of you. I’m sick to death of people telling me I need to eat to think better. So I totally understand where your coming from. You eat it all and they assume your fine. But mentally your all over the place and beat yourself up every second of every day. I’m sending you hugs and thinking of you xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you 🙂 I hope you’re having some better days too. I was travelling with one friend for two weeks and now I’m staying with another for two weeks whilst I’m in between houses so whilst I’ve eaten more than usual and not purged I keep doubting that it’s really a ‘good thing’ and I’m genuinely worried I’m weak and once I’m alone again, I won’t be able to keep it up. I hate the fact my ED doesn’t really let me appreciate any success. Thinking of you as well though 🙂 xxx

      Like

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