Just say this or that

I slipped up and he told me he was ‘frustrated’.

Since admitting my relapse the other week I’ve pretty much put every practical step into motion that you can think of.

I moved into his for the week so I could have that really close support (supervision too). We sat and made a meal plan, did the food shop and helped me prepare what I needed to. We made food choices based off healthy levels of exercise throughout the week. Spoke to my therapist and even someone at work. New food diary, new journal and off to a new me(!).

But I slipped up.

I tried so hard to battle that Demon’s voice and I lost.

I had one slice of pizza and I couldn’t even cope with that.

I felt forced to eat it, pretty much. Everyone else was. It was leftovers from our department pizza party last night (a party I couldn’t stay at for more than an hour because socialising around the alcohol and pizza physically scared me).

I told myself say no. I ordered myself to refuse.

Some may tell me that it’s as simple as that.

‘You don’t have to eat it. You can say no.’

Saying no is hard though.

Why couldn’t I have said no?

A slice of pizza wasn’t on your meal plan. You’re weak for saying yes. You’re weak for diverting from the plan. You should be ashamed. You’re going to gain so much weight.

All these thoughts running through my head seconds after I finished.

I felt dissociated from my body after that. And all of a sudden it was ‘done’.

I promised to text him if I ever purged and so I did. But my text made him sad and ‘frustrated’. I don’t ever expect him to condone a purge and he refuses to say the words ‘its okay’ to get that across. But sometimes I just need that. I just need to hear the words ‘its okay, we’re going to get through it.’

I’m tired of not being okay. Tired of being up and down with this illness. I was doing quite well and I’m so disappointed I couldn’t keep it going. I’m more disappointed that I’ve made someone I care about incredibly sad.

Shaking these feelings of shame and disgust is tough. I always knew it would be.

I wish I could have said no to the slice but I’ve also been on that awful side of the spectrum where I said no to everything. Where saying yes was the hardest word to get out of my mouth.

Trying to find that balance and trust that it’s ‘safe’ to do so.

Trying to trust myself more than anything, I suppose.

 

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2 thoughts on “Just say this or that

  1. oh I totally relate to the feeling of being afraid and the struggle to find a balance. I know what it is like to say no, say no too often, feel obliged to behave like everything is ok and be in fear and confusion around food xo it’s not easy, keep fighting for your right to be kind to yourself – you’re not alone and eating disorders are so complex to try and recover from for many reasons. xo a friend of mine used to say, draw a line under it and start again because the ed wants to keep you in its clutches so it will try and undermine your progress xo be kind to yourself and let yourself focus on the fact that all of us in recovery are going to have days where things are scary or negativity wins out but that is just because we’re human and we all deserve to keep trying xo don’t lose hope xo Em

    Liked by 1 person

    • I feel like I can’t even trust myself. As though I don’t trust myself to be able to say no when it’s right to and yes when it’s right to. As if I can’t trust myself not to purge or restrict and its so incredibly draining to go through that constant cycle backwards and forwards.

      I know people want to help me but sometimes I do need them to tell me ‘it’s okay’ when I slip up. I like what you said about drawing a line because sometimes the negativity does win and the best way to get through it is to accept it and work out what I can do tomorrow instead.

      Thank you xxx

      Liked by 1 person

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