Worthless

I feel as if I’m in a constant state of numbness. Nothing is getting me out of this rut I’m in and so many thoughts are running through my head. It’s starting to get clearer but that doesn’t mean the pain goes away, in fact, it makes it hurt more.

He tried to convince me that I, myself, wasn’t the problem. Rather, it was the expectations of a relationship that were the problem. It’s still so hard because that doesn’t make it feel much better. He said it was things he couldn’t change about himself, not me. That little voice whispers in my head, if I was perfect he would have wanted to do those things, that the root of the problem was still me.

I just want to be looked after. So many years of hurt, mental abuse, being used by friends, boys, family and the like whilst always being there to help others has made me into the person who doesn’t appreciate her self-worth.

I always feel like I don’t deserve to have someone who goes above and beyond to show me how much I’m worth but deep down I really want that. Don’t we all want that? Am I wrong to want to be shown how much I’m worth? Is it wrong to like romance these days? Am I expecting too much?

Will I never be good enough or right for anyone?

Surely I’m worth something? Surely I’m worth someone’s efforts?

Maybe I’m not. Maybe I’m stupid to want some romantic treatment. I don’t need to be treated as someone’s princess, I’m not like that, but that doesn’t mean it wouldn’t be nice for someone to go that complete extra mile.

Don’t I deserve that type of effort?

I thought he was perfect for me. I tried to show him, I cooked and cleaned, I tried to find free stuff to do, I don’t think I pressured him to take me out, I wanted him to but I tried not to ask too much and I never cared he was financially struggling and so I tried to suggest cheap things. I couldn’t bear for him to constantly have wet feet with his ruined trainers so I got him new ones. I tried to balance my money so I didn’t have to ask him too much but that meant when I did ask we were both financially stretched. I tried so hard to get into football so I could enjoy it with him. I got him a card for our 1 year but never gave it to him because I knew he hadn’t got me something and I didn’t want him to panic or feel bad, so I ignored that and just hid what I bought because I loved him more than a card. I knew he was stressed for some reason back then but he wouldn’t tell me. I actually thought he was the one for me and I feel really stupid for letting myself think that.

I feel like I should have known better. I was so dubious at first because he had told me he didn’t like relationships and I was scared but I ignored that because I thought he was perfect for me. I fell in love so fast and I fell in love with someone who I do believe genuinely loved me but who doesn’t like relationships. I should’ve known it would end badly. That we would both end up hurt.

I know he cares about me, I know he’s not lied about ever loving me or that he still does. There was so much good in the relationship too, he wasn’t like the others, he was so much different. I don’t forget how much he helped me, how he reacted to my eating disorder, how great he was. I think that could be why it hurts more, because he’s a good person, just not a relationship person.

He’s trying to be so nice to me. He’s trying to tell me its not me, that there’s nothing wrong with me but its so hard not to take such a comment personally. It’s so hard to not feel this pain. The pain of feeling worthless.

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Brain = 1, Heart = 0

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I should have listened to my brain instead of following my heart. It was right, it’s always right.

I’ll be okay, deep down I knew it was coming and I know it was right. My brain knows but my heart aches.

It was a nice visit nonetheless and being friendly is fine with me and don’t get me wrong because I knew it was too soon for any sort of reconciliation. I know that everything is still too raw for both of us and that there could be potential in the future, but there’s just one little thing that’s stuck in my head. I know where I stand right now and that’s fine but he said that being out of a relationship made him realise how stressed he was being in one.

That he loved me but didn’t realise until now that being in a relationship stressed him out.

Ouch.

Ouch.

I had no idea he was unhappy with me. I mean, I thought he was distant and didn’t want to be with me but he told me he did and I believe him.

I thought he wasn’t treating me like a girlfriend and now I know why. He was unhappy with me. He didn’t like the relationship we were in and was waiting for me to move to London so things would get better. But he never told me that back then. He wouldn’t tell me why he seemed so stressed out but now I know.

It was me.

I was the problem.

It makes so much sense now.

Everything makes so much more sense. Deep down he didn’t want me and yes he wanted to stay when we broke up, he wanted to try harder than I could but now that its over he mustn’t have been truly happy in the first place.

That’s probably why he wasn’t telling me why he was stressed out and being distant. Because I was the problem. I’m always the problem. I know I’m too much, I know I’m damaged and have a million things wrong with me. I also know he loved me, he really did but I mustn’t have been good for him either.

I was so unhappy back then too because I felt he wouldn’t open up to me and talk and all I wanted to do was help him with whatever was stressing him out. Now I realise it was me. It was being committed to me at that time that stressed him out.

I caused everything to go wrong. Every last detail was my fault.

I’m not trying to play the victim. He would have been so hurt to to hear that I was unhappy and had reached the decision I reached 2 months ago. But I was  unhappy because I was convinced he didn’t like me being his girlfriend. I just really wish he had told me what the problem was. Rather than my mind jumping to conclusions…then again…surely my mind jumped to the right conclusion? That he wasn’t happy with me.

There was something wrong with me. Being with me made him distant and that caused the feelings I had. There’s something wrong with being with me. Something wrong with me. That’s how it feels right now. That’s how much it hurts right now.

It hurts so much to know that I caused so much stress. That he now realises being in a relationship was too much. I feel like I made him so unhappy and I can’t believe I did that.  I really love him and I wanted it to get better, I couldn’t understand what was going wrong but now I know.

I don’t know what I did wrong.

But it was me. I was doing something wrong. Being in a relationship was wrong. He would never have meant to hurt me with his words. Maybe they weren’t meant to come out the way they did.

I’ve never been good enough for many things. We had a lovely time hanging out and I do want to stay close but that realisation has really hurt me. It’s a different kind of pain right now. I’m not sure how to cope with this type of pain.

I should have listened to my brain.

My heart is so much more broken than before.

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Working It Out

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Today’s been a bad day but on the same hand one of my better ones. It’s so contradictory, I know but I’m pleased with where I am right now in this very moment.

As usual my day started off with the standard family stress but today I couldn’t take it anymore. I’m in the middle with my mum breaking down to me on the phone and my dad pressuring me to send him all my money. We had an agreement that I would look after that money so me and my brother could have deposits for houses in the future but now he’s trying to take it and I will happily support my mum but I’m getting fed up of my dad. Strictly speaking he’s been paying for that whore for 14 years…14 years of his and mum’s money being spent elsewhere…14 years that has led to him taking mine and my brother’s savings, the inheritance meant to help us start our own families one day.

I feel like I can’t cope with it anymore. When I hung up on mum I ended up crying in the middle of the street and I couldn’t stop. I tried to find a place that was quiet so I could try hide from the masses around me but I couldn’t and I felt like I was suffocating. I couldn’t breathe in this crowd and I was fighting to keep the tears from falling but in the end I couldn’t. They burnt and they stung my cheeks as they started to come and I desperately tried to find an empty corner or side street to run to but there wasn’t anywhere, so I lowered my head and made my way home whilst the tears kept running.

I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I can’t do this anymore, I can’t cope with this stress, I want all my family to leave. I want them to stop pressuring me, I don’t want this financial stress, they can take the money and fight between themselves, I don’t want anything to do with the money anymore, its caused so many problems sitting there and I wish, oh i wish I could just fuck off and leave them all behind. That’s my inheritance…my mum’s hard-earned cash and savings that is meant for me and John but dad is trying to take it and once he takes it, it’ll go to that fucking whore.

I was sick. I didn’t even try not to be. I just went to the bathroom and put my fingers down my throat. Its so bad that its not even to be skinny…its turning into a coping mechanism again. Something to take all the pain away because its the only way I know how.

But then, I went to the gym. I went to the one a few streets down and opened a membership and after 2 hours I went for a bit. I only managed 30 minutes cardio but considering I’ve not been able to do any real exercise for a long time I think that’s alright. I do know its not the best idea seeing as I purged. But I went to the gym, made sure I drank a lot and afterwards I went for sushi. Expensive food for my bank account right now but at least I ate something. At least I exercised. At least I got the remainder of my anger and pain out on the treadmill and not down the toilet.

And I’m proud that I finally went. It’s silly but because I feel so fat most days, I’m almost embarrassed to go to the gym. It’s so contradictory, we go there to better ourselves but it also acts as such a self-conscious environment. I’m pleased with myself. I’ve drawn up an exercise plan for the rest of the month and yeah, it might be too much, but hopefully I can find where my fitness is and start building myself up again. Not just physically but mentally too.

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Curiosity Killed The Cat

Curiosity killed the cat, I should’ve known that. I shouldn’t look for things that I know I won’t like the answer to. Stupid move, stupid girl.

The world seems so fuzzy and messed up right now and I can’t seem to make my way through it. Then again, its my own fault, I shouldn’t have looked at something I wouldn’t like. I shouldn’t have gone there, but as usual, I did.

As usual I basically broke my own heart a little bit more.

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Heartache, Heartbreak

I just feel so lonely, struggling to pick myself up. These past two months have been hell and I’ve never had to cope with so many different yet equally hard situations.

And its as if there isn’t anyone there. I feel like I’m struggling to get through this and I don’t know how to make it better. I’ve resorted to unreal measures to purge and I feel so ashamed of myself. There’s so much hurt, so many doubts, so much self-hatred that the only way out is to purge.

I hate myself, I hate everything about every decision I made, I feel so dirty and horrible and hate every piece of me that went wrong the past 8 weeks. I hate everything. I hate this feeling, I hate the purging, but I hate not purging as well. I feel like its the only thing that can calm me down at the end of the day, when the stress has accumulated over the passing hours.

I’m so stressed out and I just hate everything about myself right now. I hate the decisions I made and how they hurt someone, someone so special. But the decisions have hurt me too. No one seems to realise just how much I’m hurting, how hard the struggle is, how every day has become so dark and filled with hate. I’m hurting so much and I can’t keep this brave face on much longer.

They said it was the right thing. They told me it was the correct choice. But now that its done, now that there’s no way back, why do I feel so broken?

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Letting go

I admit I’ve made some massive mistakes the past 7 days but I know I wasn’t fully to blame.

I’m ready to let it all go. I’m ready to make sure I am never that person who got into such a vulnerable position ever again. Hating myself won’t work. Only when I love myself truly will I never be that vulnerable.

Loving myself is the greatest thing I can do right now.

But why is it so hard?

Why can’t I love myself the way others do?

I’m ready to try. I’m going to be on my own next week when I move to London and although I’m so excited to move…I need to really develop my self-love and self-worth to enable that I’m strong enough to never hurt this way again.

The biggest demon is my scales.

I can’t seem to let them go.

I’m ready to throw out so much stuff that doesnt mean anything to me, or makes me feel bad due to the memories or I simply don’t need on my journey into this new chapter.

So why is it so hard to throw out the one thing that has never been my friend? Why can’t I throw out the sqaure that shows me a number and teaches me to hate myself?

Its only hurting me…but I can’t let them go.

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Stillness

Standing still but my mind won’t stop spinning. I don’t want to hurt like this and I don’t know what’s going to make it stop. I can’t decide which path to take and I know I’m hurting him. I can’t hurt him. I don’t want to break his heart and its breaking mine.

I need my brain to sit still. I need it to stop being a hazy mess but nothing seems to make it any clearer. Nothing is helping, nothing is going to help. I don’t want to put him in pain. I can’t bear to do that but I’m in pain. This decision is breaking me in two and it’s making me ill.

I can barely eat, I can barely sleep, I can barely sit still and I just want to be still. I want everything to be still and silent and empty so I can breathe.

I want this sea of emotions that’s getting darker and rougher to settle, be still and clear so I can do what is right.

I think I know.

But I don’t want to hurt him.

I never wanted to hurt him. Doing that kills me inside. It makes me hate myself.

I don’t want to hurt myself anymore.

I’m hurting enough already.

 

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