24 years ago my mum took me swimming and 22 years later I surprisingly left the pool. Two years following that I found the courage to take the plunge but my strength didn’t last long at all. 6 months after I last donned my hat and goggles I was asked to be someone’s girlfriend, and although it took me 24 hours I was never happier to put aside my fears and take the plunge in a different way.
However, one month ago I was triggered and 3 weeks ago I relapsed. 1 week ago I went for help and we all know that because that’s what my last post spoke about. So what’s happened since? I came to Thailand to fully live up to the whole cliched expression of finding myself and majorly because I need time away from a lot of the shit I have to deal with. I was with a group at one part of my journey because I had so spontaneously planned this trip during exams that I was more disorganised-ly organised than usual.
Problem was, I met girls who came to Thailand to get wasted, laid and sunbathe. I didn’t come here for that, I wanted to experience the culture, which I did, I wanted to experience the lifestyle, which I did and I wanted to chill on my own at times,which I did. But I was given glances and thoughts said out loud that should never have been spoken. I don’t want details but I felt judged.
I was in this beautiful national park, Koh Sok, and I promise you the pictures don’t do it justice and I just wanted to cry. They made me feel that the fat girl once more and the emotions were building and the pain just burst through my heart as I couldn’t suppress it anymore. I couldn’t stop the tears but there was one girl I knew was kind, I knew was genuine, the one who I knew didn’t judge me. There was no network or wifi, I had no one to talk to but regardless of that I’m so glad I went to her.
We sat at the back of a floating bungalow with the back door open onto this beautiful lake, our feet in the water and the mountains as our back drop and I cried and opened up my heart to her. I basically told her everything and she simply listened and helped me work through some things. I was scared to stand around in my bikini, water calling out to me, calling me back to it like a long lost love but I was so scared. In love with something that once hurt me so bad.
But it was never the water that hurt me was it?
I have fear associated with the water but that was never what really hurt me. It was simply used to hurt me.
Emotions spilled out into the bungalow, into those mountains, into that lake and just like that I jumped…it only took five minutes for the smile to arrive and two days later it’s still not left. It’s something so small but took so much courage and I’m so happy I had the strength to do it.
Reunited with a long lost love.
I don’t quite know why I came to Thailand, but if it’s to ‘find myself’ then I did. Because I’ve been a water baby since the day I was born. The water truly made me happy and yes some people took that away from me but two days ago, I took it back.
Falling in love over and over again as I jumped from the boat, from the rocks, from anything, into that water. And the love is still there. Today I went island hopping and took full advantage of any opportunity to jump in and swim…I also did something I did every single summer as a child, I went searching for shells and admittedly I only found two but this is one of them…
Finding that shell made me stupidly happy just like shell searching did all those years ago. Swimming and searching for shells in the water that I could genuinely call my home.
Shell searching in Thailand…shell searching….soul searching…
Soul searching in Thailand.
Forever soul searching. Forever unpicking parts of myself. Forever working myself out.
Forever falling in love with myself slowly but surely, day after day.
I got so emotional because I was incredibly proud of myself for quite a few steps I’ve made and my heart genuinely beat so fast for the water I fell in love with…I never stopped being in love if I’m honest. I just needed strength to jump.
I needed strength to jump in a whole different sense two weeks ago.
I’ve never been happier that I did jump in both situations…
I once wrote something along the lines of I hope my future daughter never lies alone in bed at night crying her heart out…I can’t ask for more than for her to have friends like I have. The ones who help me eat when I can’t, the ones who give me beds for the night when I need them, the ones like I’ve met in Thailand. I had one of my nightmares last night. I woke up screaming, convinced I was getting…being…still can’t say that R word, again. Shaking and sweating but K (the girl I opened up to) came straight over to calm me down, tell me it was a dream and suddenly the world stopped spinning, my tears stopped running, and my heart wasn’t choking any more.
Baby steps…but then again, it’s hard to take steps on land when you’re a water baby at heart…